The Other Side
11:00 a.m.
Ariel – please call.
Stomach settles sinks
The deep despair
Ring
Ring
Ring
Ring
Hello
Hello
My mother cries
It is his time to move onward
12:00 p.m.
Do I stay do I go
I’m wet with grief
Those who leave us
For the other side
Must be on their journey
And we are here
Not comprehending
Not understanding
On our side
The journey
Transitioning between worlds
Not fully here
Not fully there
1:00 p.m.
Guzzling maple syrup straight from the bottle
Waiting for news
Watching Friends
And then the stupid episode with Phoebe’s grandma dying comes on
And I cry some more more more
Do I stay do I go
Tick tock tick tock
Wait wait wait
Wait
2:00 p.m.
Do not resuscitate
Do not resuscitate
Do not resuscitate
Do not resuscitate
Do not resuscitate
Do not resuscitate
Do not resuscitate
Do not resuscitate
Do not resuscitate
3:00 p.m.
Hazelnuts and potatoes
Do I stay do I go
Potato
Potato
And I sit and think
Think
Think
Think
About how he used to let me come into his bed
When I had scary dreams
And hold me close
The smell of his scratchy sweater vests
He may have some more time to live
Maybe not
It’s my choice
Do I stay do I go
Think
4:00 p.m.
My mom tells me she is going to sleep in his hospital room with him
Alone
I haul ass off the couch
Brushing crumbs as I go
Leave it all
Go
Go
Go
5:00 p.m.
More junk food
At the train station
I buy a trashy novel
I marvel at life swirling around me
People who are living
Breathe in
Breathe out
No one knows
An old man is dying
So I eat and read
Eat and read
Eat and read
6:00 p.m.
The journey feels short
And I’m numb
With grief
And guilt
Why am I trashing my body
Why can’t I be a perfect embodiment of grief
Suffering nobly
Perhaps with a side salad
And I should have brought my violin
7:00 p.m.
There is no right way to do this
I can show up imperfectly me
There is no perfect grief
8:00 p.m.
Blurry
Swirly
Wet grief
9:00 p.m.
Can’t this all just be over
How much longer do we have to wait
In limbo
Wondering
Repressing the ultimate release of grief
10:00
He lies in a hospital bed
Dwarfed by a mountain of blankets
So small
So gentle
My breath catches like a bird in my chest
There is so much to say
And no time to do it justice
So we say we love each other
He says goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
Goodbye
11:00 p.m.
I hold my mother and we talk
His lungs are collapsing
He is dying
Not tonight
But soon
Soon
Soon
Wait
Wait
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Sleep
On cold hard hospital chairs
They told us he will be alone if we leave
So we stay
Bundles of flesh and nerve and heart who need each other
Because love
Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick
4:00 a.m.
HELLO?
HELLO?
HELLO?
Grandpa it’s me
Do you know who I am
HELLO?
HELLO?
HELLO?
He stares without seeing
Calling into the night
Searching for something
Anything
Relief
Torn between two worlds
Not belonging yet in either one
Past or Future
Physical or Spiritual
He flits
Floats
HELLO?
HELLO?
HELLO?
5:00 a.m.
Jolt
Awake
His chest heaving
Staring at me
Unseeing
Getting out of bed
GET HELP
GRANDPA STAY IN BED
DO NOT GET UP
HELP
MY GRANDPA TOOK OFF HIS OXYGEN MASK
HELP
HELP
Rushing back
IM CONFUSED
WHERE AM I
Shhhhh
Shhhh
Shh
Sh
Sleep
Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock
Time
Passes
He tries to get up
For a dinner party
To go fight in the war
He just wants to brush his teeth
The end is so near
So close we can taste it
We’ve come to talk to you about release
About discharge
Here is a draft obituary
I’M IN A STRANGE LAND
I’M IN A STRANGE LAND
Neither here nor there
Body failing
Spirit soaring
Float
High high high
Above the clouds
For one moment
I take his hand
And he sees me
And he smiles
And I smile
And we cry, us bundles of flesh and nerve and heart who need each other
Because love
It’s ok to go to the other side.
Whenever you’re ready.